Essential Habits - Oct. 7 2023
More things I learned about navigating difficult conversations and a useful concept to explore from Outlive by Peter Attia
Hello friends!
In the last newsletter, I started to talk about Difficult Conversations and found how the authors broke down difficult conversations into three conversations and provided strategies and tactics for each of the three conversations fascinating. I have since finished the book so will be providing a few more of my favourite takeaways (though I think it’s certainly worth a read and you can likely get a copy at your local library or bookstore). I also started to read Outlive by Peter Attia and while I’m still digesting the book, Peter’s approach to medicine and life is surprising to me.
Difficult Conversations - more things I learned about navigating difficult conversations
Last newsletter, I talked about how every difficult conversation is three conversations:
What happened conversation
Feelings conversation
Identity conversation
Here are the most useful things I learned in tackling each conversation
What happened conversation
We often go into a conversation thinking our story or point of view is the truth (this is a mistake)
We assume we know the intentions of others (but we don’t)
When we’re not sure of someone else’s intentions, we decide they are bad (they aren’t always)
Going into a conversation seeking who to blame will prevent people from identifying how something came up and what to do to prevent the problem in the future (if you seek to blame, the other person may go defensive or on the counter-offensive, neither situation helps you problem solve)
Feelings conversation
There’s a bit of pre-work you need to do before having a difficult conversation. Often times you identify a simple label (you’re hurt or you’re angry), but there’s often a bundle of feelings (you’re hurt → let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy).
If you feel the urge to blame the other person, there’s a feeling behind it
Feelings are formed in response to our thoughts and there are three things you need to do: 1. Examine your own story, 2. Explore assumptions about the other person’s intentions and 3. Consider what you contributed to the situation.
Don’t evaluate, just share your feelings (easier said than done). Try to express your feelings without judgment, attributing to an excuse or blaming.
It’s important to acknowledge feelings before moving to problem solving.
Identity conversation
The difficult part of difficult conversations is we sometimes get feedback that is counter or negative to our persona (our imagined self) and this denial leaves no room for you to make changes
We can sometimes make the mistake of letting feedback define who we are (I’ve been there where I’ve gotten performance feedback and thought I was a failure and that I was going to get fired soon)
Mistakes are inevitable and your intentions are complex
Practice ‘and’ thinking - you can be both a loyal, hard-working and devoted employee and someone that also selfishly looking out for the best opportunities in the market
Finally, some useful tips for how to navigate difficult conversations:
Think like a mediator (the mediator is not there to side with a particular story, only to understand what happened without any judgment). The sequence the authors suggest is talking about the third story (i.e., the story without judgment or blame), then let the other person share their story, and then share your story.
Don’t make statements disguised as questions
Useful questions to use during difficult conversations (aligned with the three skills for difficult conversations: inquiry, paraphrasing, acknowledgment)
Can you say a little more about how you see things?
What information might you have that I don’t?
How are you feeling about all of this?
Say more about why this is important to you?
What would it mean to you if that happened?
Acknowledging someone else’s feelings is not the same as agreeing with their feelings. (I can see how what I did would make you angry. So you’re saying you did that to make me angry? No, I’m saying I can understand your point of view in this.)
Outlive by Peter Attia
The next book I’m reading through is Peter Attia’s Outlive. I’m about 10-20% of the way through the book and so far, a few takeaways for me about the evolution of medicine and what we know about longevity:
Humans want to live longer, but living longer (i.e., your lifespan) is not the same or as important as your healthspan (your quality of life). If you live until you’re 150 but from 100 on you’re bedridden and hooked up to machines, that’s not a great way to live. Peter Attia is a doctor and he looks at his patients evaluating both lifespan and healthspan.
Medicine intervenes often too late. The time to see the patient is not when they experience the symptoms of cancer, but years or decades earlier before the patient gets cancer or is on the path to cancer.
Point-in-time tests may not always be the best indicator of your health. Patients who score close to but not over a certain score for Diabetes II are prescribed different treatments than those diagnosed with Diabetes II - but shouldn’t they be prescribed the same treatments to get their score lower?
Exercise, surprise surprise, is one of the best ways to improve both the lifespan and healthspan of individuals.
I think there’s a lot more to unpack in this book - so more to come in a future newsletter.
Book recommendations
Read a great book recently and want to talk about it with someone? Email me and let me know. Or if you’re looking for a book recommendation, email me and let me know what you’re looking for.